'Speechless is Usually Good' - Squiz - Rating - NC-17 / 18
Abby watched Kerry retreat to the restroom. Again. She wanted to follow her, but she knew the doctor needed to deal with the day herself, so she left her. Ten minutes later and Kerry hadn't come back. Abby went after her.
She couldn't hear a sound when she entered the bathroom. She had been expecting muffled sobs, or something similar, but she couldn't hear anything. "Kerry?" she called softly, trying not to be intrusive. No movement, but she noticed one of the doors closed and locked. She went up to it and knocked gently. "Kerry?"
"I'll be out in a minute."
"Are you okay?" Silence. Abby took that as a no. "Can I come in?" She heard a sigh and then the door unlocked. She pushed open the door and found Kerry sitting on the closed toilet, her head in her hands. Kerry lifted her head and sighed. She hadn't been crying. Abby closed the door behind her and sat on the floor by Kerry's feet. She put a hand on Kerry's knee.
"It's finished. It's over."
"You've stopped bleeding?" Kerry nodded. "Have the cramps stopped too?" Kerry nodded.
"Just a little twinge now and then."
"Oh Kerry," Abby murmured, wanting to give Kerry a cuddle, but holding back. She settled for a knee-squeeze. "Do you want me to call Sandy?" Kerry shook her head. "She needs to know."
"I can't...I don't think that I can deal with her now." Kerry winced, wrapping her arm around her middle. She let out a tiny gasp of pain and tensed, closing her eyes. Abby patted the floor next to her.
"Come down here." Kerry slid off the seat and onto the floor next to Abby. Abby let her lean against her shoulder, one arm around her back. She rubbed Kerry's tummy with her other hand. When Kerry relaxed, Abby pulled back a little. "Okay?"
"Yeah." Kerry pulled back too, embarrassed.
"You need to go home." Kerry sighed and shook her head.
"Not yet." She put a hand to her head. "I can't deal with home. I can't deal with Sandy." Abby rubbed her back and Kerry didn't shrink back. She seemed to need to be touched. "I feel..." She looked up and shook her head.
"No, come on," Abby coaxed, brushing Kerry's bangs off her forehead.
"I feel...like my head's gonna explode." She sighed miserably and shook her head again. "That sounds stupid."
"No, no it doesn't." Kerry rolled her eyes. "It's a lot to cope with. And I can't imagine how you feel." Kerry lay her head back against the wall of the cubical and closed her eyes.
"I keep going through everything that I did. What did I do that..." Made me lose the baby, Abby finished in her head. She looked at a random tile on the floor.
"You know what I would say, that sometimes it just happens. We've been through this a thousand times with patients."
"It's different." Abby nodded.
"Yeah, I know." She ran a hand over Kerry's hair. "And I don't know what to say." Kerry looked at her.
"I don't think there's anything you can say," Kerry murmured. Abby sighed and rubbed her back.
"Tip your head forward onto your knees," she told Kerry and Kerry complied without argument. Abby ran her fingertips up to Kerry's neck and pushed her hair aside. She tickled the bottom of Kerry's neck gently and Kerry sighed, closing her eyes. She rubbed her knuckles against Kerry's hairline and Kerry stretched slightly. "Good?" She nodded.
Abby touched her for a few minutes more, then lessened the caress, going down to stroke her back again. "I have to go, Kerry," she whispered, wanting to stay. Kerry opened her eyes and lifted her head. Abby's heart skipped a beat when she saw the confused and vulnerable look in her eyes. "I'm off in an hour. Do you want me to give you a ride home?" Kerry grimaced.
"I can't go home."
"Then come hang out at my place. Carter's shift doesn't end for another seven hours. Or would you rather be alone?" Kerry swallowed at this and shook her head.
"No I...I don't...wanna be alone." Abby nodded.
"Okay. Go sit in the lounge. I'll get you some coffee. When does your shift end?"
"Half an hour ago." Abby stood and stroked her hair once, before putting a hand to the door and pushing.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Kerry smiled gently.
"Yeah." Abby nodded and stepped out the door, starting to close it. "Abby," Kerry said, straightening a little in her curled up seat on the floor. Abby turned and edged her face around the door. Kerry dropped her head, fingering the scrub pants she was wearing. "I..." She cleared her throat. "Why did you do that?"
"What you did to my neck." There was a curious tone in Kerry's voice that intrigued Abby. She thought for a while and was unable to come up with a sensible answer. She smiled her half-smile at the small woman on the floor and shrugged.
"I just did. I'm sorry." Kerry shook her head.
"No, I...it was nice." Abby ducked her head again and back peddled out the door. "Abby," Kerry called again, getting up from her crouch. Abby rolled her eyes and stepped back in. Kerry looked up at her, her eyes hopeful. "Abby," she said, unable to say what she wanted to. In the end she sighed and said, "Thank you." Abby nodded and retreated out.
Kerry sighed and shook her head, feeling another slight pain trip through her belly. She bent over slightly and inhaled sharply, pressing a fist against her middle. "Damn," she breathed to herself as the pain subsided.
Abby waited outside the lounge for a moment. She hoped Kerry would be in a better state than she had been in an hour earlier. Poor Kerry. She'd had a hell of a lot of shit so far this year. Abby had been surprised how many people had been okay with Kerry coming out. It had been a big thing for Kerry, she knew that. But no-one had said anything, apart from an occasional snide comment from Romano.
She pushed open the door and found Kerry putting her clothes into a plastic bag. She looked up when she heard the door opening. She looked back down when she saw who it was, stuffing the rest of the clothes in and twisting the top closed. Then she slung her purse over her shoulder and slid her hand into her crutch. Abby smiled. "Ready?" Kerry nodded and they left.
The drive to Abby's apartment was quiet until Abby put on the radio. Some random love song came on and she gave Kerry a concerned look. But Kerry had her head against the window, her eyes were closed. She didn't seem to mind, so Abby left it on.
Pulling up in front of her apartment, Abby parked and undid her seatbelt. She looked over at Kerry. "Okay?" Kerry sighed and nodded, undoing her own seatbelt and opening the car door.
They went inside. Kerry took off her coat and held it nervously until Abby took it from her, hung it on the tree. Abby asked her, "What do you want to do?" Kerry looked down and her breath caught.
"I need a shower." Abby nodded.
"Okay." She led Kerry upstairs by the hand, through her bedroom, into the en suite. She showed her where the shampoo, shower gel and towels were. "Kerry. Call if you need anything, okay?" The smaller woman nodded and Abby left her with a shoulder pat. She left some clean clothes on her bed and went to wait downstairs.
Half an hour later, Abby started to get worried. Kerry still wasn't out of the shower yet. She went upstairs again and knocked lightly on the bedroom door. "Kerry?" No answer. Abby pushed open the door and found it deserted. She went to the bathroom door and knocked. "Kerry? Are you okay?" Again, no answer.
She frowned and gently pushed open the door, training her eyes on the ground. "Kerry?" She looked up and saw the small naked silhouette of Kerry behind the shower curtain. She wasn't moving. Abby sighed, nervously pulling back the curtain and taking a peek.
Kerry was standing, a bar of soap in one hand, and the rail in the other, both being held in a death grip. Her eyes seemed to have glazed over. She was motionless. Abby blushed and tried not to look further down than her eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly, reaching forward to touch Kerry on the shoulder. Kerry flinched at the contact and blinked, coming back to the present.
"It's okay. Are you done?" Kerry nodded and put the soap back in the dish, suddenly becoming shy at Abby seeing her naked. Abby felt the unease and found that she couldn't look Kerry in the eye. Kerry swallowed and Abby reached past her, turning the shower off. Abby stepped away, bringing a towel to Kerry and holding it out. Kerry stepped into it and Abby wrapped her up, rubbing her back and drying her.
She made quick, nervous work of her legs, back, neck, arms, then carefully dried Kerry's front and hair. She awkwardly wrapped the towel around Kerry again and led her into the bedroom. "I got you some clothes. Just some sweats and a T-shirt, but they're fresh." Kerry nodded. "You gonna be okay getting into these while I go downstairs?" Kerry nodded again.
"Yeah." Abby smiled and nodded, retreating out the door.
"Come down when you're ready."
When Abby heard Kerry's feet on the stairs, she went to meet her. "Come into the kitchen. D'you wanna coffee?"
"Thanks." Kerry took a seat at the table and rested her head in her hand, elbow on the table. She closed her eyes and let out a sorrowful sigh. Abby shot her a tender look, turning on the tap to fill the kettle.
"How're you feeling?" Kerry raised an eyebrow.
"Physically or mentally?" Abby shrugged.
"Physically, I hurt a little. Tired. Achy. Do you have any aspirin?" Abby nodded and reached up to the higher cupboard, bringing down the desired pills.
"Thanks." Abby handed her some bottled water and Kerry took the pills, trying not to gag. She hated swallowing anything like that.
"So," Abby said, turning on the kettle and getting out two mugs, "What about emotionally?" Kerry sighed and placed her hands over her eyes.
"Right now, I just wanna...bury myself in bed and hide away." Abby was almost shocked. She hadn't expected Kerry to tell her anything. She was such a private person. Kerry exhaled into her fingers. "I can't believe it's happened. It's just too..." She fell forward onto her arms.
"Kerry..." Abby left the kettle to rest her hands on Kerry's back. "It's..." She was going to say that it was okay, but she realised this probably wasn't the best thing to say right then. She sighed and rubbed Kerry's back. Kerry lifted her head and shook it.
"I just...I can't..." She growled in frustration and huffed. "It's..." Abby suddenly realised something.
"Have you cried, Kerry?" Kerry looked down.
"What?" She hid her face. Abby sighed and stroked Kerry's hair.
"You haven't." She turned away and caught the kettle as it boiled. "Kerry, you're frustrated. You need to cry."
"I don't want to think about it." Abby turned around and left the coffee steaming.
"Come here." Kerry let her guide her into the living room and to the couch. "Sit." Kerry sat.
Abby sat next to her and took her hands. She looked at Kerry, searching with her eyes into Kerry's face. Kerry tried to hide by lowering her lashes. "No," Abby said, taking a finger and tilting Kerry's chin up. "Think about what happened today." Kerry closed her eyes.
"Yes. Yes you can." Kerry wrenched her head away.
"Yes," Abby said louder. "Think about it." She touched Kerry's cheek. "It's okay. I'm here with you." Kerry set her jaw and swallowed. "I'm here. Talk to me." Kerry looked down again and Abby realised she was going to have to give her a little push. "You lost a baby today." Kerry's bottom lip started to tremble.
"I did," she admitted, so quietly that Abby hardly heard her.
"Have you been trying for long?"
"How does Sandy feel about it?" Kerry shrugged.
"She wanted the baby." Abby leant forward to hold her hands tightly in front of them. "Abby, I don't think I can do this." Abby didn't answer her plead, but didn't ignore it either. She lowered her voice and gentled her face.
"I get the feeling Sandy didn't want the baby as much as you did." Kerry sniffled and blinked back the tears that had started to form in the corners of her eyes.
"I don't know. Maybe, I..." The first tear fell down her cheek. She turned her head away, but Abby gently turned it back.
"Cry." Kerry sniffled and let out a tiny sob, trying to hold back. Abby touched her face with the back of her knuckles and moved so close, their thighs were touching. Kerry didn't notice. "Come on." And Kerry started to cry, large wracking sobs that shook her whole body. She fell against Abby's front and Abby held her, wrapping her arms tightly around her small body.
Abby had never noticed how small the chief was, but here, holding her like this, Kerry seemed less of a woman in charge, and more like the vulnerable woman Abby had never met. Kerry buried her face in Abby's shoulder, crying out how it was so unfair, and how she hated everything. She just cried for a long moment, then sat back, still crying.
"I can't..." Abby felt herself wanting to cry along with Kerry, but fought the tears and willed herself to be strong for Kerry.
"Tell me. How do you feel?" Kerry looked down and let out a hiccupy cry.
"Empty," Kerry cried. "Something's been taken from me, and I can't...it's gone. The baby's gone." Abby took her face in her hands.
"I knew it was a boy, I could feel it...he's gone. And I was so longing for...I can't..."
"You can't comprehend it," Abby finished for her. "He was there and now he isn't. And it's so unfair." Abby blinked to get rid of the tears in her eyes, but only managed to seep one out. It fell onto their clasped hands. Kerry looked down at the tear in bewilderment.
"Unfair. So unfair," Kerry husked, coughing around her tears. Kerry sobbed pitifully and fell against Abby again. They held one another for a long time. Kerry was the one to pull away.
Abby lowered her head, unable to meet Kerry's gaze. Kerry gave her a searching look. "What..?" She swallowed and touched Abby's face, blinking through her tears, still sobbing slightly. Kerry caught a tear before it fell from Abby's cheek. Abby lowered her eyes and reddened.
Kerry let out a breath of realisation and cupped the back of Abby's head, bringing her eyes to her own. "Oh God, Abby." Abby closed her eyes and sniffed.
"It was...a long time ago." Kerry shook her head and started crying all over again.
"What happened?" she murmured, pressing a hand against Abby's cheek.
"When I was nineteen, I got pregnant. It was with a guy I had only just met, at a party. I never told anyone, not even Mom." She placed a hand atop Kerry's and blinked, as if realising only then that it was there. "I had a termination. But I didn't want it. I just felt it was the best thing. I had started college and knew the father wouldn't stick around. It was the best thing."
Kerry sniffed. She reached for Abby and their roles reversed. Kerry became the comforter and Abby, the comforted. Abby didn't cry, just let the older woman hold her, stroke her back, and even rock her backwards and forwards slightly.
It was a while before they broke apart, and they didn't really do that. It was only when Abby's breathing had returned to normal, and Kerry's leg started to ache from being pulled under her that either of them moved. Kerry kept hold of Abby's hands and moved back to look at her, to check she was still sane.
Abby blushed. She hadn't meant to cry at all; the comfort had been all for Kerry; but it had ended up as a resolution for them both. She swallowed and wiped at her teary face. Kerry stretched her leg out and winced at the crack. Abby frowned and, without thinking, reached down to rub at Kerry's hip.
They both stared at one another, gazes locking. Kerry was so close to her, Abby could feel her breath on her cheek. She didn't know exactly how it happened, but the next moment they were kissing, hands grasping at hair, lips crushing against one another. Kerry pushed her tongue more forcefully than she intended, between Abby's lips and Abby let her. She turned to face her properly, tilting her head and closing her eyes. It was like she'd eaten hot coals, her whole body felt like it was on fire. She wasn't thinking, just feeling.
Abby's hands strayed up to Kerry's breasts, cupping them, sending shots of pleasure through her body. It made Kerry jolt awake, out of the trance. She pulled away sharply, mouth open in shock, turning on the couch and putting her hands over her face. She leant on her elbows and breathed hard into her fingers, and Abby heard Kerry Weaver do something she'd never heard her do before. "Shit."
Abby lifted a hand to touch her lips, then touched Kerry's shoulder. Kerry flinched and backed away. "No," she murmured, shaking her head, scared.
"Kerry," Abby coaxed, squeezing her shoulder. Kerry took her hands away form her face and closed her eyes. She shook her head.
"I am so sorry," she said, standing up and reaching for her crutch, flushing a deep shade of pink. "It was totally inappropriate and I assure you, Abby, it won't happen again..." Abby stood and pulled her back down.
"Wait." Kerry rolled her eyes and wouldn't look at her. Abby moved up close to her and put a hand to her cheek, sweeping her thumb over Kerry's cheekbone. Kerry caught hold of her wrist, but didn't try to move it. She looked down, but then curiosity became the better of her, and she looked up. Abby was smiling, if slightly shyly.
She leant forward again, doing it slowly, giving Kerry enough time to flee if she needed it. But she didn't. Kerry moved the last millimetre and brought their lips together in the gentlest kiss either of them had ever experienced.
Abby touched Kerry's face gently, tenderly wiping away the drying tears. Her other hand sunk into Kerry's hair, holding her steady, not wanting to let her go. Again, Abby parted her lips to accommodate Kerry's tongue and was taken aback by the soft sweeping, which was so different to the way in which she'd kissed her before. She was careful, caressing the roof of her mouth, before touching their tongues together and sliding them against one another. Abby almost groaned.
Kerry cupped Abby's chin in her fingers, parting their lips occasionally, to touch their tongues in mid air. Her hands slid down Abby's front, gripping her waist. Kerry then grazed her fingertips up again, encountering tummy, sides, and then breasts. Abby's back arched a little, compulsively, and she gasped into Kerry's mouth.
Kerry pulled away from the kiss, but kept her hands on Abby's breasts, cupping, squeezing her through her bra. She let her forehead rest against Abby's and closed her eyes. Abby was breathing hard, and Kerry wasn't far behind. Abby moved forward, Kerry let her kiss her again, sliding her hands inside Abby's shirt, reaching for her breasts through her bra.
"Oh-God," Abby breathed when Kerry passed her fingertips against her nipples. She arched her back again and pushed against Kerry's lips, kissing her harder. Kerry broke the kiss and began to undo the buttons on Abby's blouse. Abby let her, reaching forward to lift the bottom of Kerry's T-shirt up.
There was a bang as the door opened and the two women flew apart, staring wildly at the door. Abby's mouth opened as she saw her boyfriend, hair dripping from the rain, standing in the doorway. Carter's jaw hit the floor as he took in the sight before him.
Abby's shirt was unbuttoned, Kerry's face was flushed, and they were both breathing deeply. Carter tried to say something, but he found his mouth wouldn't work. "Wha..?" he eventually managed. Then he held up his hands and walked out.
"Shit," Abby breathed. "Shit, shit, shit..." She flopped forward and ran her hands through her hair. "Jesus fucking Christ."
Kerry put a hand over her mouth. "Oh my God," she whined, her bottom lip trembling.
Abby rushed out of the room and found Carter in the hallway, on the phone. She caught the end of the conversation. "...Just thought you'd like to know." Then he hung up. He looked at Abby and shook his head.
"I can't believe...you just..."
"Carter, I'm so sorry!"
"No, don't even talk to me, Abby," Carter bit back, stepping back when Abby tried to put her arms around him. She gave him a pleading look.
"Kerry had...she had a miscarriage. At work. And I was consoling her. It just got out of hand!"
"Out of hand? Yeah sure, kissing and undressing one another in heat of passion is out of hand. God, I can't believe it!" Abby dropped her head, tears coming to her eyes.
"I never meant to hurt you, Carter," she said, pleading with her eyes. "Honest to God..."
"Well, you managed it." Kerry appeared in the doorway, a look of complete dismay on her face. Carter gave her one look and opened the front door; he went to go through it, and stopped in is tracks. "I phoned Sandy and told her." Kerry gasped.
"Bye." And he left. Abby didn't go after him. She just sunk against the wall and cried. Kerry shook her head over and over, desperately wanting it all to be a dream. She slid against the wall, her crutch landing with a clatter, and put her face in her hands.
"She's gonna leave me." Abby sighed.
"He's already left me." They sat for an hour, not speaking.
When Kerry got home, it was to an empty house. She sighed and began to cry as she noticed all Sandy's things missing. Her jacket, her keys on the table, and upstairs, all her clothes from Kerry's drawers. The room they had started to make into a nursery seemed bleak and dangerous. Kerry shut the door and went downstairs.
She'd tried Sandy several times on her cell-phone and had gotten only one reply. A simple "Piss Off," had brought more tears. Then Sandy had switched her phone off.
Kerry opened the bottle of vodka, the only alcohol she could find in the house and managed to drink half of the bottle before falling asleep on the couch.
Abby also tried Carter on his cell-phone, but when she heard the ringing from the kitchen, she realised he hadn't taken it with him. She rung Luka, asked if he was there. He wasn't. She rung Susan; no luck. She rung everyone in Carter's address book. She couldn't find him.
She wrapped herself up in her duvet and cried herself to sleep.
The next day, Kerry woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. She had a splitting headache, and her tummy was aching too. She rolled over to embrace Sandy, but found an empty space beside her. Then she remembered and it all came flooding back to her. She picked up the phone and barked an annoyed, "What?" into the receiver.
"Hey." She swallowed at Sandy's cold voice and sat up in bed.
"Sandy," she whispered. There was a pause and she heard the voice on the other end almost break.
"I...I'm just calling to say...I won't be coming back." Kerry shook her head and let out a sob.
"Sandy don't, please. I'm so sorry. It was a mistake."
"Fucking right it was!" Sandy bellowed down the phone. Kerry sighed and felt the tears returning quickly.
"I...Please, sweetheart, you've gotta give me another chance." Her voice broke and she whispered, in a desperate voice, "Please, Sandy."
"I can't, Kerry. I can't do that."
"God, Sandy...I lost the baby."
"You..." There was a moment of silence, before Sandy spoke again. "No. I can't forgive you for what you did." Kerry exhaled on a sob and put a hand to her mouth, unable to speak. "I've been hurt before because someone was sleeping around behind my back. And I can't let that happen again. I'm sorry, Kerry, but you've hurt me in a way I never thought you could." She hung up. The dial tone buzzed in Kerry's ear and she dropped the receiver onto the bed, flopping down amongst the pillows again. She cried for a good hour, before falling back to sleep.
She was woken again by the phone, at around four pm. Hoping it was Abby, she picked up and uttered a sleepy, "Hello?"
"It's me." It was Abby.
"I'm so glad you called," Kerry sighed.
"I know this is totally out of order, Kerry, but I really need you right now," Abby sobbed down the phone. "We need to work out what we're gonna do about this." Kerry nodded reluctantly and sighed, miserably.
"I'll be over in about an hour." Abby put the phone down and covered her face with a hand. "What am I gonna do?" she asked herself, forlornly. She got into the car and sped to Kerry's.
Kerry looked as bad as Abby felt when she opened the door. She didn't even utter a greeting, just stepped back to allow Abby in. Kerry sat on the couch without a word. Abby sat in the armchair, not wanting to sit close to her. She didn't know why, but she guessed she needed the space to think clearly. And images of Kerry's hands under her shirt were haunting the back of her mind insistently.
"How are you?" she asked. Kerry sighed.
"I'm fine, physically. If that's what you mean." Abby nodded.
Kerry sighed, frustrated, and looked up, giving Abby an expectant look. Abby chewed her bottom lip, nervous about how what had happened had affected her. She shook her head to clear it and faced Kerry.
"So...so, I just want to apologise for what happened. I t-took advantage of you, and that was wrong." Kerry sat up a little straighter and tilted her head, confused.
"Well, you know, it was all a little mad last night, and how ever much I needed to be held and kissed, I shouldn't have done what I did."
"Abby," Kerry started, moving to the opposite end of the couch, closer to her. "You didn't take advantage of me. Sure I was upset, and things got out of hand a little, but I should be apologising to you." She smiled slightly, despite herself. "I mean, I'm the scary lesbian here, right?" Abby smiled a little too.
"Looks like we're both as bad as one another." They looked away and Kerry's smile dropped.
"Sandy left me. She's taken all her things and she phoned this morning to say goodbye." Abby nodded.
"Carter won't talk to me. I've tried calling everyone I can think of, but I can't find him." Kerry lay her elbow on the arm rest and splayed her fingers over her forehead.
"We really messed things up," she murmured, closing her eyes and sighing. Abby nodded slowly.
"Yeah." Kerry thought about Sandy, the woman she thought would want to spend the rest of her life with her. The woman she would have been having a baby with. Now, one little mistake - okay, maybe not so little - and Kerry's whole life had been thrown into the garbage heap. She couldn't forgive herself, but she couldn't take it back either. She wished she could change history.
Abby shivered as she remembered Carter's face as he had left. He had looked so honestly hurt, and so angry, Abby had been afraid. She had actually been afraid of the one person she thought she'd never fear. Abby realised he could have done anything last night, and she wouldn't have blamed him. She would have felt better if he'd hit her, or something else. But this silence and not knowing was driving Abby mad. She didn't know whether she would ever see him again.
Abby blushed as a tear trickled down her face. Kerry opened her eyes and saw, reached over to hand her a tissue form the box on the coffee table. "What are we going to do?" Abby asked, dabbing at her eyes. Kerry shook her head.
"I have no idea. Is there anything we can do?" She let out a groan of defeat and slumped against the back of the couch. "God. She won't forgive me. I know her that well."
"And Carter...he'll have told everyone at County. Everyone's gonna hate me." Kerry sighed.
"And me. The dangerous lesbian. Lock up your wives; Doctor Weaver's in town." She fell silent as the joke fell flat. Then she caught Abby's eye and smiled a little. "I don't hate you, Abby." She said it so softly, and with so much tenderness that Abby had to, needed to touch her. She reached across the space between the two chairs and lay her hand atop Kerry's.
"I know. I don't hate you either." Kerry patted the couch next to her and Abby stood, moving across and sitting next to her. Kerry took her hand.
"I guess having each other isn't so bad." Abby chuckled.
"I never took you for an optimist, Kerry."
"So, what did you take me for?" Abby though a while before answering softly.
"Beautiful." Kerry looked at her knees and pushed her eyebrows down in embarrassment. "I'm serious. Ever since last night, I've been looking at you in a totally different light." Kerry gave her a disbelieving look.
"You're straight, Abby."
"How do you know? We all thought you were straight before that kiss with Sandy by the admin desk. I mean, who knows? Maybe everyone has a part of them that's gay. I just never considered it before, that's all." Kerry snorted in amusement.
"You know, I think I used those exact same words with Kim." Abby's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline.
"Kim Legaspi? You're kidding?" Kerry smiled and shrugged. "Wow. You kept *that* quiet."
"At a price. She didn't want to know after a while. I think it got too much for her, me being in the closet."
"That was like two years ago, Kerry!" Abby was laughing and Kerry couldn't stop the grin spreading across her face.
"I can't believe you're laughing at a time like this!" Abby shrugged and quietened.
"Well, you're just full of surprises. I never imagined..." Abby looked at her, suddenly calm. She reached up to tuck a piece of hair around Kerry's ear. Kerry dropped her eyes to look somewhere over Abby's shoulder. "You've allowed me to consider what I thought was impossible. You've taken me to that impossible place, shown me how your life is." She cupped Kerry's face and Kerry flinched. "I'm starting to look at myself in a totally different way now. And I decided something last night; I wanna be part of your life." Kerry moved her head away, but Abby followed her gaze, insistently. "I want to be close to you, like we got last night." Kerry shook her head and stood on shaky legs.
"Abby, we're scared," she said, shakily. "We've both had a bad couple of days and we've both lost people close to us. But this is no reason to be giving it all up."
"We're not giving anything up," Abby insisted, watching Kerry limp across the room without her crutch. "It's already gone. Carter won't be coming back into my bed, and I don't think Sandy's the type of person to forgive for cheating. We're not giving up, we're starting something new, something fresh." Abby stood and crossed the room. She rested a hand on Kerry's arm, turning her gently to face her. "Kerry?"
"What?" Kerry said in a small voice.
"What do you want?" Kerry looked up at her and Abby knew at that moment, that she'd asked exactly the right question. Kerry sighed and reached up to hold Abby's face in her hands. She tilted her face up and Abby obliged, pressing her lips against Kerry's and slinking her arms around Kerry's waist.
Kerry's mind told her that this was not the best idea, but her heart told her head to shut up. Abby's lips were gentle against hers, and it was almost as if they hadn't been interrupted last night, that they were back in Abby's living room, kissing for the first time again. Kerry's hand lifted the back of Abby's hair, touching the bottom of her neck. Abby grinned against Kerry's lips, reminded of the way she'd touched Kerry yesterday, in the restroom.
Kerry broke the kiss and Abby took her in her arms properly. Kerry shook her head against the taller woman's shoulder and sighed. "Oh God, what am I doing?" she asked herself out loud. Abby stroked her hair and bent to kiss her forehead.
"Have you ever followed your heart, Kerry?" Kerry looked up, her hands holding Abby's shoulders tightly. She looked into Abby's eyes and shook her head.
"I don't think I have." Abby touched her cheek with her curled knuckles.
"Then fuck everyone else. Follow your heart." Kerry smiled, if a little fearfully. Taking Kerry's hand, Abby pulled her towards the bedroom, longing eyes trained on hers. Kerry gave her a disapproving look.
"I don't want to...I mean, it's not that I wouldn't love to go to bed with you, but..." She huffed in thought and started again. "I don't feel ready. I still feel..." She gritted her teeth in disgust and looked down. Abby caught her meaning and her heart started to hurt for Kerry.
"Do you still feel...empty?" Kerry nodded, pressing her lips together to stop the tears from coming.
"And like I need to wash the hurt from me. But I've had about four showers since I got home, and it's still there. It won't go away." Abby kissed her forehead warmly.
"Let me bathe you." Kerry gave her an uncomfortable look. Abby cocked an eyebrow. "Come on," she teased, gently. "I've seen you naked before." Kerry blushed and hid her face. Abby chuckled a little, catching Kerry's chin and bringing her eyes up to meet Abby's. The look in Abby's eyes held such tenderness and such compassion, that Kerry nodded.
"Okay. That would be nice."
Abby guided her upstairs and found Kerry's bedroom. She left her to undress and went into the bathroom. Turning the taps on, she looked around her for soap, a flannel and shampoo to wash Kerry's hair with.
As she poured bath cream into the filling bath, Abby hoped she'd be able to push away any feeling of awkwardness when she saw Kerry naked again. She hadn't exactly been in the best of confidence last night, when she'd gotten Kerry out of the shower. Abby set her jaw and decided that the best thing for her to do, was to focus on making Kerry feel clean again. Though, she had no idea how she would even begin to do it.
Abby checked the water temperature, adding a little more hot, hoping Kerry liked a hot bath. She figured Kerry would need something to make her feel warmer inside. She heard the door opening and shut off the water, turning and smiling at the tiny woman, wrapped in a bathrobe, who was peeking around the door.
"Hey," Abby whispered, watching Kerry hobble into the bathroom, holding the robe around her, tightly. Abby realised that Kerry had forgotten, or left, her crutch downstairs. It was strange to see Kerry without it.
"Hey," Kerry answered, equally as softly, perching on the edge of the bath. Abby smiled slightly, nodded at Kerry, who shed her robe and stepped into the bath, gripping the side tightly for support. Abby took her hand, and Kerry let her lower her into the bath, sitting into the wonderful warm water and sighing.
Kerry brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Abby let her have the little bit of privacy, and knelt by the tub. She took up the washcloth, rubbing soap into it and lathering up her hands.
No words were spoken between them, and Abby realised that Kerry didn't need words right then. She just needed to be touched. Abby lay the cloth against Kerry's back and washed her, swirling the soap into intricate patterns on her back. Kerry closed her eyes against her knees and sighed, feeling completely vulnerable in her naked state.
Abby concentrated on soaping up Kerry's back, then moved the washcloth to her shoulders, where she soaped and caressed Kerry's soft skin with the rough article. Kerry turned her head and lay her cheek against her knees, bashfully watching Abby through lowered lashes. She smiled slightly.
"I like your hair like that." Abby looked up, startled.
"What do you mean?"
"Curly. I like it curly." Abby smiled, self-consciously pushing a strand behind her ear.
"It's naturally curly. I just straighten it most of the time." It was idle talk and Abby knew it, but it was soothing the uncomfortable situation and Kerry seemed calmer. Abby sprinkled handfuls of water over Kerry's back, to rinse away the soap, and ran the washcloth over Kerry's shoulders again. "You wanna lean back so I can wash your front?" Kerry looked up at her, and found that she wasn't as afraid as she had been before.
Abby lay a hand on Kerry's back and waited for her to lean backwards, putting her hands behind her on the bottom of the tub, for support. Kerry lowered her head, resting her chin on her shoulder and closing her eyes. She sighed as Abby took the cloth, lathered up again, and started to wash just over her collarbones.
Abby took a chance and lathered up her hands, before leaving the washcloth to one side. She turned back to Kerry and rubbed gently over her collarbones again, sliding her hands down to tenderly wash Kerry's breasts. Kerry inhaled deeply when she realised that the rough cloth had been replaced by something else. She opened her eyes and looked up at Abby.
Abby was so focussed on washing Kerry, she failed to notice the redhead's gaze on her. Kerry silently watched her face as Abby ran her soapy hands down between her breasts, then upwards in a wide circle. She repeated the motion, gently, compassionately, until she turned her head and found Kerry's eyes upon her.
Abby swallowed. The look in Kerry's eyes was so trusting that she lay a hand on her shoulder and leant forward to kiss Kerry's hair. Kerry closed her eyes against the caress and felt some of the achyness inside her dissipate. She sighed as Abby put a hand to her back and lowered her, soaping up her hands, washing her tummy.
Kerry was surprised that Abby didn't venture much further than her navel. She had expected there to be some kind of sexual offering, or something like that. Actually, when Kerry had stepped into the bath she hadn't known what to expect. She'd expected tenderness, and she had known that Abby wanted to touch her as much as she wanted to touch Abby.
Abby washed the only other part of Kerry's body that was out of the water, her knees, and sat back on her heels. She rinsed her hands in the bath water and their hands came together almost of their own accord. Abby tilted her head to the side and squeezed the small hand in hers. "How do you feel?" Kerry nodded and sighed.
"Better, actually. A lot better." She looked up with watery eyes and shivered a little. "Thank you." Abby hadn't realised how long she'd taken, and the water was getting a little cold.
"You...want me to stay here tonight?" Kerry smiled and took the hand Abby offered her.
"That would be nice." Abby smiled back, half at the fact that Kerry had agreed, and half at the fact that Kerry was allowing her to help her, physically. It wasn't every day that the Great Doctor Weaver let you inside her physical vulnerabilities. Abby decided she liked this side of Kerry.
Abby practically lifted Kerry out of the bath and held her steady with one hand, while the other gently rubbed her down. Abby couldn't help kissing her cheek, her hand, her forehead at every possible moment, and she realised that she wasn't doing it because she wanted to turn Kerry on. She was doing it as a kind of tenderness, to add to the cleansing, to take away the emptiness Kerry had admitted feeling.
When she was completely dry, Abby wrapped a clean, dry towel around her, led her into the bedroom again and sat her down on the bed. She went over to the chest of drawers and opened the top drawer, looking for some night-clothes for Kerry. When she saw how empty the drawer looked, she realised Sandy had been quick at work. She tried to ignore how that made her feel; mainly guilty, but a little angry too at Sandy, and at herself. She realised she'd caused a little hurt in Kerry. She didn't want to ever do that again.
Finding a T-shirt and shorts, loose fitting clothes she thought Kerry would be comfortable in, she turned back to the redhead. Kerry was smiling, actually smiling, a tiny little bit. Abby couldn't help but smile back, if a little curiously. "What's the matter?" she asked, going to sit next to Kerry and handing her the clothes.
"I just...never thought I'd ever get put to bed, like a kid...again." Kerry grinned and looked down. "It's been a while, you know." Abby nodded.
"Well, I had better finish what I started." She took both Kerry's hands and stood her. Kerry took a risk and let the towel drop, exposing her body. Abby took the clothes from the bed and stopped in her tracks. She let her gaze sweep down Kerry's small figure, paying special attention to the slope of her breasts, the curve of her hip. She noticed the reddish curls at the apex of Kerry's thighs, but didn't linger there. Kerry reddened and looked down at the floor, trying not to be embarrassed, but failing.
When she looked up, Abby was smiling softly. "I said you were beautiful earlier," she whispered. "But I really had no idea." Kerry shook her head slowly and Abby took her chin in her hand, making sure not to touch her anywhere else. "I mean it, Kerry. You're seriously gorgeous." Kerry liked to be modest, but in this instance, she didn't want to have to be.
"Thank you," she told Abby quietly.
"Raise your arms," Abby told her, equally as softly, and Kerry complied. Abby pulled the T-shirt over Kerry's head, again, making sure not to touch her anywhere that wasn't completely necessary, and Kerry helped by getting her arms through. Abby took up the shorts. "Do you wear underwear in bed?" Kerry nodded and Abby opened the drawer again, taking out some plain, cotton panties.
She knelt at Kerry's feet and held them out for her. Kerry found it quite comforting, being dressed completely by Abby. She stepped into the panties and Abby hooked her fingers around the sides, sliding them up her legs. Next came the shorts; Abby made quick work of those.
She stood again and reached to smooth Kerry's hair against the back of her neck. Kerry bravely looked up into her eyes, taking in everything she saw there; tenderness, guilt, and she even thought she saw just the tiniest bit of love in those dark orbs.
Abby blinked several times, trying to bring herself back into a practical state of mind. She was finding it increasingly difficult, with Kerry standing before her, looking at her with those expressive eyes. She'd never realised just how much you could read from Kerry's eyes. They held a lot of feeling in them, especially right now. Abby chose to break the silence. "How do you feel?" It was a direct question, but she'd asked a lot of those tonight, so Kerry didn't find it surprising.
"Calm. Happier." She rolled her eyes as a yawn crept up on her. "Sleepy." They smiled at one another and Abby held out her hand.
"Get under the covers. It's a good job you've got good heating. I can't stay naked for more than a second in my apartment." Kerry blushed only slightly when Abby said the word `naked', but covered it by resting a little of her weight on Abby's arm and climbing carefully into bed. Abby pulled the covers up to her neck, sitting on the side of the bed and laying a hand over Kerry's tummy. She just sat for a moment, stroking the covers, reaching up to Kerry's hair to tuck it out of the way. Kerry felt her eyes drooping almost immediately.
Abby leant down and kissed her on the lips. It was only a small kiss, but it secured a decision for Kerry. As Abby rose and crossed to the door, she reached out a hand. "Wait." Abby turned, smiling. "Come and sleep next to me." Abby nodded.
"I'm gonna go get your crutch. In case you need to get up for anything in the night." Kerry nodded and smiled, gratefully. Abby left the room and Kerry listened to her footsteps through the apartment.
When she returned, Abby leant the crutch against the nightstand and opened the drawer again. She found a T-shirt with a bunny on it, smiled at the thought of Doctor Weaver wearing anything remotely bunny-like, and took it out, settling to go bare legged. "I hope you don't mind me stealing your clothes." Kerry smiled and noted Abby's lack of pants.
"I don't. And I'm sure you wouldn't find any bottoms that would fit you. Knee-high sweats never did look good on a girl." Abby smiled and even chuckled a little, changing quickly out of her clothes, aware of Kerry's eyes watching her.
She climbed into bed in only the long T-shirt and rolled to face Kerry. They were suddenly both very aware of what they were doing, of how close they were. It was Kerry who made the first move, sliding across the bed to timidly snuggle against Abby's arm. Abby smiled and slid her arm under the smaller woman's head, the hand of the other coming down under the covers to take Kerry's hip in its palm and rolling her a little closer.
They settled more comfortably against one another, Abby cradling Kerry's whole body with her own. She sighed and bent her arm to touch Kerry's hair. "Hey," she breathed. Kerry raised her head a little to look at her. She smiled.
"Hey," she replied, sliding her hand slowly across Abby's middle to embrace her. She bent her leg and rested it over Abby's, drawing their whole bodies together. Abby stiffened, then relaxed and she watched Kerry raise on an elbow and part her lips. Abby closed her eyes and kissed her on the mouth, just a tiny kiss, a good night kiss. It made Abby's heart swell and skip about.
Kerry lay against her again and closed her eyes. Abby listened to her breathing become slow and even, turning her head to the side and resting her nose in Kerry's hair. "God," she whispered to herself. She looked down at Kerry and grimaced. "Would you hate my guts if I told you I was so in love with you right now?" Kerry slept on and Abby was thankful. She certainly wasn't ready to admit that Kerry had intrigued her from day one. She sighed. <Eight years> she thought, overwhelmed. <How did I survive eight years without holding you?>
She rolled her eyes at herself. There were certainly some things that deserved being waited for. She sniffed and closed her eyes against Kerry's hair. For the first time in the better part of a year, Abby slept through the whole night, without dreaming.
Kerry woke the next morning, shivering. The duvet had somehow slid off her and her whole body, save her leg, was uncovered. She blinked her eyes open and snuggled closer to the person she was being held by. She didn't flinch when she remembered who it was. But she smiled in amusement when she realised that Abby had stolen all the covers from her. Kerry pulled hard on the duvet and managed to wrap it around the both of them again.
Abby must have sensed that Kerry was awake, or the pulling of the covers had woken her. She murmured slightly and Kerry planted a kiss under her jaw, snuggling as close as she could. Abby opened her eyes and slipped out of Kerry's embrace slightly, stretching her arms above her head. She quickly took Kerry back into her arms and looked down at her.
Kerry was grinning broadly. Abby frowned and gave her a questioning look. "What?" Kerry grinned more broadly.
"You stole the covers in the night." Abby reached up to stroke Kerry's face with the back of her knuckles.
"Damn. I'm sorry," she said, sincerely. But Kerry's grin eventually made her smile back.
"No, it was actually...it's okay," Kerry replied, blushing a little at her inability to form a complete sentence.
"No, come on," Abby said, only half teasing. "Let me make it up to you." Abby thought for a moment, before chewing her lip and nervously reaching to take Kerry's jaw in her hand. She shifted to lean on one arm over Kerry and pressed her lips so gently, against her forehead. She kissed her cheekbone, then moved down to her cheek, kissed the bridge of her nose, kissed Kerry right near the corner of her mouth.
Then she kissed Kerry's lips. Kerry returned the kiss almost hungrily, lifting a hand and sinking her fingers into Abby's hair. She murmured a tiny moan against her lips and parted them with her tongue, slipping her own into Abby's mouth. Abby broke away to breathe, only to return a second later with added emotion. They kissed and kissed, and when Abby finally broke away, Kerry was breathing a little more deeply than before.
"That certainly makes up for you hogging the covers," she murmured, groggily. "And for about anything else you may have done, ever." Abby grinned down at her and casually looked across at the clock. She raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips.
"Um...what time are you on today?" Kerry hadn't even thought about work.
"Eleven, I think. I'm only doing eight hours." Abby nodded.
"It's half seven." Kerry smiled.
"Plenty of time to cuddle with you then." She raised her eyebrows. "What time are you on?"
"The same. Until seven." Kerry smiled.
"Good." They lay together in silence for while, before Abby started to fidget. Kerry gave her a worried look. "Are you okay? Am I squashing you?" Abby shook her head.
"No, I really need to pee." Kerry chuckled and released her hold on her.
"Go, quick. Then get right back here!" Abby got up and ran into the bathroom, giggling. Kerry smiled and flopped back on the bed, putting her hands to her face. She sighed and giggled again as her stomach rumbled loudly. She realised she hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon. And that had only been a cheese sandwich, while she had been waiting for Abby to get there.
Abby jumped back into bed from the opposite side this time, spooning Kerry up into a warm embrace. She kissed the back of her neck and Kerry sighed. They both giggled when Kerry's stomach howled again. "I need to eat," Kerry said, turning to face Abby. Abby tried not to smile at the connotation in Kerry's words, but Kerry caught it and rolled her eyes. "Food. You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I did. I just never took it that way before." Kerry sat up and slid out of bed, grateful for the fact that her crutch was near by. She slid her hand through it and moved out of the room. Abby lay back and watched her, smiling.
"Are we eating here?" she asked hopefully. Kerry shrugged and nodded.
"Why not. What would you like?"
"Cornflakes, if you have them." Kerry nodded.
"I'll be a few minutes. Why don't you have a shower or something."
"Okay." Abby took in Kerry's exposed legs as she retreated out the door and smiled. She'd never been big on legs, but Kerry's looked so strong and curvy. She suddenly had a flash of how they would feel around her waist, but stopped it short. She just wanted to enjoy the morning, without the impending weight of sex hanging over them.
They ate a leisurely breakfast in bed, shyly feeling one another pieces of apple and giggling when Abby accidentally sucked at Kerry's fingers. Kerry pulled them away and replaced her fingers with her mouth, kissing Abby's lips ever-so gently. Abby tasted of apple and milk and something Kerry had quickly come to recognise as Abby's own taste.
When they broke apart, Kerry blushed and dropped her gaze. "Damn, I can't get enough of your lips," she said, making quick work to put the plate, bowl and apple core on her nightstand, before laying her cheek against Abby's shoulder and smiling up at her. She reached up to play with Abby's damp hair. She sniffed and smiled as she recognised her own shampoo.
Abby sighed and looked over at the clock again. "We should get up." She gave Kerry an awkward glance and sat up, shifting to the side of the bed and swinging her legs out. Kerry knelt behind her and kissed the back of her neck.
"What's wrong?" Abby sighed.
"I'm...I'm scared, Kerry." She turned around to face her. "Maybe we should just call in sick, or something." Kerry shook her head.
"We have to face them at some point." Abby hung her head and Kerry leant forward to touch her neck. "Come on. We're together for the whole day. It's not like you're going to be alone in this. I'm gonna be there." Abby took a deep breath.
"I'm buying you lunch," she uttered out of the blue. Kerry smiled.
"Why?" Abby shrugged and smiled at her.
"Because I want to treat you," she said, casually. She stood and collected her clothes from the floor, where she'd left them the night before. Kerry watched her, in much the same way Abby had watched Kerry a couple of hours before, as she dressed and tied her trainers.
They rode in Kerry's car together, feeling that it was not worth trying to pretend nothing had happened between them, by staggering their arrivals. They took a deep breath before they entered the ER. They made it through to the lounge without too many people staring, and silently put their things in their respective lockers.
Abby went straight to the admin desk, pretending to look through charts. Kerry went straight to trauma, as an RTA was brought in; two girls and a father.
They hardly saw one another all morning. Kerry supposed it was for the best. Without the distraction of having to keep her distance, when all Kerry wanted to do was hold Abby, she could stay focussed and carry on with her job as if nothing had happened.
At around half one, Abby caught up with Susan at the desk, in need of a second opinion. They walked together to the cubical and dealt with the patient. Susan followed Abby out and into the lounge as she got a glass of water. "So, I heard you split with Carter." Abby nodded, dumbly and fiddled with the rim of her mug. "Abby." Abby looked up.
"It's going round that you...people are saying..." Abby tried not to get angry.
"Just spit it out."
"Did you and Kerry..?" She left the question hanging and Abby rolled her eyes.
"I'm sorry to be blunt, Susan, but it isn't any of your business." Abby stood and went to wash her mug. Susan sighed.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry. It's just, there've been some rumours going round, and I don't want to...it's hard to know what to believe." Abby sighed and shook her head, before turning round.
"I stayed at Kerry's last night," she said. "In her bed. Does that answer your question?" Susan nodded and Abby left it at that, letting Susan believe what she wanted.
Kerry wasn't having an easier time. She hated the fact that everyone was staring at her. She hated that they didn't even wait until she'd left the room to gossip about her. And she hated that she didn't have the guts to do anything about it.
At two, she decided she'd had enough, and went to find Abby. Abby was dressing a head wound and smiled broadly when she saw Kerry approaching. Kerry smiled right back, having missed Abby more than she'd realised. "Hey," she said, desperately wanting to take her in her arms.
"Hi," Abby replied, finishing the dressing and quickly giving the patient instructions on how to take care of his wound. "Lunch?" Kerry nodded.
They escaped to the restroom and Kerry pulled Abby into a stall. Abby pulled her close and rested her chin against Kerry's shoulder. "Oh, that was hell," she breathed, running her fingers down Kerry's back.
"Tell me about it. God, it's worse than when Sandy outed me in front of the whole hospital."
"The rumours are going strong." Abby pulled back and held Kerry's face in her hands. "I put things right with Susan. I hope you don't mind." Kerry shook her head.
"It'll be hard. But so long as they know what's going on, they might as well know the true details." She leant forward to take Abby's lips between hers. Abby kissed her back, her hands sliding down Kerry's body to take her waist in her hands. "What did you tell her?" Abby suppressed a smile.
"That I stayed at yours last night." She shrugged. "She can think what she likes." Kerry smiled a little and kissed her again. She broke the kiss and they wrapped their arms round one another, tightly. "Come on, let's go eat something," Abby said finally, taking Kerry's hand and leading her out of the cubical. "I'm buying." Kerry smiled and gently pulled her hand away, leading the way out of the bathroom.
They went to the sandwich bar across the street and sat on a park bench, under some trees, to eat. It was sunny day, and Abby couldn't help gazing as the light played with Kerry's auburn hair. The sun turned Kerry's skin golden and shined in her eyes. Abby couldn't look away. Kerry felt eyes on her and glanced sideways at the brunette. "What are you looking at?"
Abby grinned. "You're so beautiful." Kerry rolled her eyes, unbelieving. "I'm sorry," Abby said. "I can't help it." Kerry chewed her lip and bravely reached down to Abby's hand to take it. Abby gave her a surprised, but happy, look. Kerry smiled back, blushing a little.
"It's okay. Four hours, and we'll be home again." Abby nodded, linking her fingers with Kerry's and looking down at them. Again, she noticed how small Kerry really was, compared to her.
"Kerry, can I ask you a personal question?"
"How personal?" Abby frowned and thought.
"Not...it isn't really personal. Um...I just wanted to know...are you eating okay?" She blushed quickly and Kerry frowned.
"What are you talking about, Abby?"
"I just...you seem really thin and...I dunno. I guess I've never really looked at you and realised how small you are. You're always so loud and strong, I guess your personality makes up for it all." Kerry swallowed her mouthful of baguette and shrugged.
"Yeah, I'm eating fine." She gave Abby a curious look. "You're very worried about me all of a sudden." Abby shook her head and looked at the floor.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm just..." She looked Kerry in the eye. "I do...worry about you, I mean. I care." She sighed. "Actually...more than I have about anyone." Kerry smiled tenderly and took the side of Abby's face in her hand, kissing her cheek.
"I care about you too," she whispered, letting Abby turn to face her, and kiss her on the lips. The kiss hardly lasted a long time, but Kerry looked about her afterwards, self-consciously. Abby grinned at her.
"No, I'm...actually okay with it." She leant forward and kissed Abby again, sliding her tongue in for a moment, before pulling back. They smiled at one another and Kerry dropped an arm around Abby's shoulders.
They sat in the sun for a while, until the end of their break, then retreated back to the hospital. The rest of the afternoon was busy and they barely saw one another.
At seven, Kerry was waiting outside, watching the sun sink to a thin orange line in the sky. She felt arms slide around her waist, a mouth kissing the back of her neck. She grinned. "If that's you, Romano, I'm getting you fired."
Abby grinned and Kerry turned around in her arms, reaching up for a kiss. When they broke apart, Kerry noticed Susan standing a little way away. She rolled her eyes and stepped back, embarrassed. Abby saw the look in her eyes and followed her gaze behind her. She turned back to Kerry and shook her head.
"It's not like she doesn't know," she said, quietly leading Kerry to the car.
"Yeah, I know. But it's still...Weird, you know?" Abby nodded and went around to the passenger side, opening the door and getting in.
"Yeah. We'll get used to it though."
"I feel like we shouldn't be flaunting it." Abby sighed and touched her knee.
"It's not like we're making love in the restroom stalls." Kerry started up the car and drove them home.
Kerry had been hot all day. It had been a while since she'd even been touched in a sexual way; Sandy had thought it might hurt the baby, and even though Kerry stressed it would do no such thing, Sandy had been stubborn. And Kerry had never really been one for self-pleasure. She sat on the couch, letting Abby make coffee for them both. She couldn't help staring.
Abby had always looked good in those loose pants and trainers, but Kerry had never been allowed to watch her before, not like this. She gazed. She took in the curve of Abby's thigh, the pants pulled tightly over her ass when she bent forward to fill the kettle. She watched Abby's hands open the coffee jar, spoon some into two mugs, and screw it back on. She watched Abby's tummy as she leant against the counter, her elbows on the surface, eyes closed. She watched her pretty neck as she swallowed. She watched the roundness of her breasts as she sighed.
Kerry crossed her legs and tried to push down the fullness she was feeling between them. It had been a very long while.
Unknown to Kerry, Abby was having much the same problem. She busied herself with the coffee, attempting to ignore every movement of Kerry's body against the chair, every lift of her eyes. Even the sound of her breathing was driving her wild. Kerry was wearing a tight-ish blouse, that hugged her breasts and fanned out her waist. And it was those legs again. She wore black trousers. They revealed a hint of the shape of her thigh.
Abby couldn't stand it any longer. She crossed to Kerry, leaving the kettle boiling, and knelt in front of her, kissing her full on the mouth. Kerry grasped her head, kissing her back with a ferocity that knocked the breath out of Abby. Abby pulled her up and ran her hands down her back, tentatively touching Kerry's behind, seeing if she'd protest. She did exactly the opposite.
Kerry pulled Abby, still kissing her, into the living room. She pushed her down onto the couch and knelt over her, one leg either side. They looked at one another, breathing hard. Abby shook her head. "No. Not on the couch." Kerry understood and nodded. "I want to take you to bed."
"You know the way," Kerry replied hoarsely. And they walked together into the bedroom.
Kerry took Abby's hands and led her to the bed. They sat next to one another and Abby kissed her again, long sweeping kisses that caused Kerry to shudder. She couldn't remember ever feeling so...horny. Kerry touched Abby's hair, pulling it out of the ponytail she'd had it in and throwing the scrunchy aside. Again, she straddled Abby, pushing her backwards to lie against the pillows.
Abby stretched her neck back and gasped as Kerry's lips trailed across her face and down the side of her neck. Kerry sucked at the skin there, her hands slipping up and down Abby's sides. Abby closed her eyes and pulled Kerry back up to her lips, pushing upwards, trying to kiss her as hard as she could.
Kerry blindly began to unbutton Abby's blouse, but Abby stopped her, dazedly. Kerry frowned and pushed up on her arms. She looked down at Abby, worriedly. "What's the matter?" she breathed, stroking Abby's hair back soothingly.
"Before we...well...I need to tell you something." Kerry sat back a little and Abby fluffed the pillows up behind her, sitting up also. Abby looked down and thought for a while, then looked back up, right into Kerry's eyes. She sighed, slowly and smiled. "I love you, Kerry."
Kerry lifted a hand to her face and almost cried at the emotion in Abby's eyes. She nodded. "I love you too." Abby sighed in relief, smiling broadly. Then she calmed again and kissed the tip of Kerry's nose.
"Make love to me." Kerry kissed her lips, before lowering her down into the pillows.
Abby stretched her neck back as she felt Kerry's lips descend down her front, unbuttoning the shirt as she went. As her breasts were exposed, Kerry lowered her face between them and nuzzled her nose, making Abby smile and feel warmth flood her body. It was sexual, but faintly comforting. She pushed her shoulders up and sighed.
Kerry turned her head to the side and lay properly against her, sliding one of her legs between Abby's. She pulled Abby's shirt completely open and kissed the inside of her left breast. Abby shivered at the contact and let a hand wander to the back of her head, down her neck a little. She rubbed there and Kerry moaned, reminded of two days ago, in the rest room. "God," she whispered, "That's so good, Abby." Abby grinned, doing it harder. Kerry groaned again and unclasped Abby's bra in front, peeling it off her.
Kerry sat up again and let both her hands wander over Abby's breasts. She cupped them, sweeping her palms upwards, then downwards, smiling at Abby's sharp intake of breath. She did this a few more times, then tickled the sides of Abby's breasts, watching her nipples harden.
Abby groaned when she felt Kerry's fingers begin to squeeze and rub the hard buds, sending jolts of pleasure through her body, down between her legs. When Abby felt one of Kerry's hands leave her, and be replaced by her mouth the arched her back off the bed and reached down to hold Kerry's head to her.
Kerry focussed on Abby's left breast, swirling her tongue around the pebbled bud, tugging on it gently with her teeth. Abby's hips pressed against the thigh they were straddling and Kerry bent her knee a little, bring her thigh closer to Abby's centre. Abby squeezed her legs around Kerry's, relieving a little of the pressure already growing inside her.
Kerry couldn't believe how good Abby tasted. She concentrated back on Abby's breast again, beginning to lick her slowly at first, then faster. Soon she was just flicking back and forth, making little wet noises. She moved to Abby's other breast and gave it the same treatment.
Abby sat up suddenly, breathing deeply and pushing Kerry to sit up too. Kerry gave her a confused look, but only for a second. Abby unbuttoned Kerry's shirt and fastened her lips onto Kerry's neck. Kerry arched back and let out a little moan, parting her lips and exhaling through them. Abby let a hand wander inside Kerry's blouse and cupped one of her breasts. She hesitated, an unsure look on her face, but then reached behind Kerry and unhooked her bra, pushing both shirt and bra off Kerry's shoulders.
Kerry rid Abby of her own shirt and bra and they looked at one another, passion flaming in their eyes. They kissed again, slowly and thoroughly, hands cupping naked breasts, fingers twisting and trailing over nipples. Abby let her hands drop to Kerry's waist and began to unzip her pants. Kerry nuzzled her nose under Abby's chin and tensed, pushing backwards.
"Ow, shit," she breathed, stretching her leg out and grimacing. Abby looked startled and slid to sit by her.
"What? What's wrong?"
"I just...I've got cramp." She gritted her teeth and flexed her leg slightly, rubbing her hip.
"God, I'm sorry," Abby told her, watching Kerry's face relax as the spasm subsided. Kerry sighed and smiled.
"No, it's okay. I should know about kneeling in the same position for that long." Abby lay a hand against her leg. Kerry caught her eye again and realised she'd doused the moment. "Sorry." Abby kissed her again and lay her gently down on the bed, rolling on top of her. Kerry moaned as she lowered her lips to Kerry's breast, circling one still-hard nipple with her tongue. Kerry soon felt the arousal return. Abby unzipped her pants, pulling them down her legs and throwing them over the side of the bed.
She pushed Abby onto her back again and grinned mischievously down at her. She kissed her lips, capturing Abby's tongue and sucking on it. Kerry managed to undo and push off Abby's trousers, without stopping kissing her. Then she broke the kiss and gazed down at Abby. "Where do you like being kissed?" she asked.
Abby raised her eyebrows, surprised. "Um..." She certainly wasn't used to answering this type of question. "My belly." Kerry moved down and Abby sighed as Kerry softly kissed her navel. She started to lick then, much as she had licked Abby's breasts, soft long sweeps of her tongue. Abby threw her head back with a groan, Kerry's teeth scraping across her skin.
All Abby had left on, was a pair of panties. They were Kerry's and Abby had felt a little strange wearing the other woman's underwear.
Kerry teased her tongue around Abby's navel one last time, before trailing her tongue down the line of soft skin below it. Abby reached for Kerry's hand and gripped it hard, knowing where she was going, and what Kerry was going to do when she got there. Kerry closed her eyes and kissed Abby's mons, over the panties. Abby moaned quietly in anticipation. Kerry grinned. "Where else do you like to be touched?"
Slipping the panties down Abby's legs in one swift motion, Kerry settled between Abby's legs and ran her hands up her thighs, to her sex. She gently parted Abby's outer lips and blew warm air against her flushed skin. Abby moaned. Kerry looked up at her and cocked her head to the side. "You okay?" Abby chewed her lip.
"Well, I've never..." She beckoned to Kerry. "I miss you up here." Kerry smiled and nodded.
"Okay." She crawled up Abby's body again and settled in the cradle of her thighs. They kissed, passion radiating out from their joining and rejoining of lips. Kerry knelt a little, slipped her hand between their bodies and cupped Abby in her palm. Abby let out a breath and Kerry kissed her again, parting Abby's outer lips with her fingers and sliding two fingers into her warmth.
Abby's hips bucked at that first sensation and she groaned low in her throat. Kerry just touched her for a while, letting her grow accustomed to the feeling of being touched so intimately. Kerry marvelled at the wetness she found. Abby was practically dripping. Kerry kissed around her ear, lovingly.
Abby bent her knees and rested her feet on the bed, arching her back when she felt Kerry's fingers slip downwards. One slid gently into her, crooking forward and sliding out again. Abby held her breath as Kerry slid another two into her, starting to work up an aggravatingly slow rhythm. "Oh God," she whimpered and Kerry touched her face with her free hand, kissing her cheek.
Abby's face was flushed completely, her breathing erratic. Kerry could hardly take in how beautiful she looked. With every thrust of her fingers, Abby countered with her hips, bringing Kerry deeper and deeper inside her.
Kerry slid her fingers at a different angle and began to stroke Abby's clit with her thumb. Her other hand flew down to Abby's hips to steady them as Abby surged up, her head rolling, eyes closing. She went still for a moment, breathing erratically. Then the thrusting started up again and Kerry circled her thumb, feeling the bud harden even more.
Her left hand went back up to Abby's shoulder, slid down to her breast and caressed it lightly. Abby groaned and pushed up against both of Kerry's hands, opening her eyes to watch her. "Oh," she managed softly. "So good." Kerry kissed her lips, thrusting her tongue in a similar pattern to her fingers.
"Tell me, okay?" Kerry asked, looking deep into Abby's eyes. Abby nodded, reaching down to hold Kerry's wrist and control the speed of her thrusts.
"Harder," she gasped, feeling the fire bringing her to the peak. Kerry curled her fingers again and Abby let out a long moan, shuddering as she found that place inside her.
"Come on, sweetie," Kerry coaxed, bracing her arm against her own hip and using her whole body to thrust inside Abby. This created a fantastic friction between their bodies, breasts brushed against breasts, tummies against tummies. Abby raised her legs and wrapped them around Kerry's hips.
"Close," she managed, feeling her clit harden even more and go white hot with pleasure. Kerry concentrated on her clit, just curling and straightening her fingers inside Abby, rubbing Abby's clit as hard as she could. "Oh Jesus," Abby almost cried, going completely rigid in Kerry's arms. Kerry felt the spasms start up and suck her fingers inside Abby hard. She kept up the caresses with both hands as Abby rode out the waves, groaning, gasping, and smiling.
When the fluttering around her fingers had stopped, and Abby had let out a long breath, relaxing onto the bed, Kerry gently slipped her fingers out of her. She watched Abby's face and climbed to lie at her side, reaching up to stroke her face. When Abby finally opened her eyes, she smiled and sighed deeply. "Woooooooow," she breathed, stretching her arms above her head and managing to focus on Kerry.
Kerry felt a little nervous. She hadn't been the experienced one before and was maybe a little uncertain. Then Abby smiled at her and all her doubts flew away. "Good?" she asked, mainly out of curiosity.
"Jesus, Kerry. I've never..." She grimaced at her inability to form a complete sentence. Kerry grinned at her.
"Well, speechless is usually good," she commented, tickling her fingertips at Abby's shoulder. Abby squirmed.
"Yeah, in this case. God, Kerry. You're amazing." Kerry blushed and looked away.
Abby stretched her neck back and groaned. "Aww man." She gave Kerry a look and realised she had some unfinished business to attend to. She chewed her lip, nerves taking over. "Kerry, I've never...I want to make you feel fantastic too....but..." Kerry took her hand and squeezed.
"Want a guided tour?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. Abby nodded and grinned. Kerry lay back and Abby lay next to her, head resting on one elbow, whilst Kerry led the other hand down her body.
She started at her neck, trained Abby's fingertips down between her breasts, then up to each one, touching the hardened nipples. Tingles started down her body, and she arched her back, pressing her shoulders into the pillows with a sigh. Abby kept her eyes on Kerry's and Kerry kept her eyes trained on Abby's.
Abby let her gaze wander to Kerry's breasts, their fullness fascinating her. Her nipples were pink and cute, it was the only way Abby could think of to describe them. The creamy skin around them was so soft, and the dip between them was showered with freckles, as were Kerry's shoulders.
Kerry's eyes fluttered closed when Abby looked down at her body. She concentrated on showing Abby what felt good. She left her breasts and trailed Abby's hand so softly down her tummy, that goose-bumps appeared. Around her navel and back up one side, then around her navel and back up the other side. She brought Abby's hand down her left side, over her hip and down a thigh. Up again, then down the right side and over her right thigh.
She couldn't stand the teasing any longer and slipped her panties off. She brought Abby's hand between her legs, moaning deeply when Abby's fingers slipped inside her of their own accord. She felt Abby take control of her hand again and lifted her own to rest it next to her other, above her head. Abby's fingers started up inside her, sliding in, then out, then in again. She felt Abby's breath in her ear. "Tell me what you want, Kerry."
Kerry moaned and swallowed. She licked her dry lips and sighed. "Don't worry about inside me. Touch my clit." Abby brought her fingers forward and touched around where she thought Kerry meant. Luck had it, she was spot on and Kerry arched against her.
Abby closed her eyes and concentrated on touching Kerry. Then she opened them and watched the redhead's face. She was breathing heavily, letting out tiny moans, and turning her head from one side to the other. Abby gave up the slow backwards-forwards motion of her fingers and circled Kerry's clit, feeling her rise up slightly at the change in pressure.
"Oh God," Kerry murmured, reaching up unconsciously to touch her own breast, pulling at the pink nipple. Abby pushed her hand away and took up the caress herself, rubbing her thumb over the tiny nub. She pressed her lips to Kerry's neck and watched her body respond to the way she was touching her.
Moving her fingers slightly against Kerry's clit, she found that Kerry favoured the left side, rather than in the middle. She moaned more and shivered more when Abby touched her there. So she circled on the left, and felt Kerry tensing and surging upwards more.
Then Kerry went completely tense and Abby felt her whole sex vibrate as her orgasm took her over. Kerry breathed her name several times, in short pants, and eventually took hold of her wrist and pulled her away. She lay breathing deeply, her body occasionally twitching with aftershocks. Abby watched her, mesmerised. The thought that she could do that to another woman finally throwing her into wonder.
Kerry slowly came back to herself. Her head lolled against the pillows and she opened her eyes sleepily to a stunned face above her. She grinned and sighed. Kerry reached up to Abby, wanting a cuddle and Abby slid gratefully into her arms. "Oh my god, Abby."
"Are you okay?" Abby asked, wondering whether she'd hurt her, or given her cramp again. Kerry just beamed and nodded. "You were amazing. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life." Abby breathed the words in complete awe, reaching to touch Kerry's face. Kerry smiled and found tears come to her eyes. She yawned and fit more snugly into Abby's arms.
"Mmmm. Hold me tight." Abby complied and pulled the duvet over them both, shivering slightly. "Oh God. It's been a while," Kerry chuckled, snuggling against Abby's shoulder.
"How long?" Abby asked, quietly.
"Since I came that hard?" She thought for a moment. "I don't think I ever have." Abby blushed and settled down, burying her face in Kerry's hair. "You learn quickly."
"You have a beautiful body," she whispered and it was Kerry's turn to blush. They quietened together and snuggled closer, wrapping the duvet properly around them. Kerry grinned and stroked Abby's tummy.
"You'd better not steal the covers again." Abby smiled.
"I won't." Kerry's face turned serious.
"I'm not looking forward to tomorrow," she breathed.
"Then let's enjoy tonight." They fell asleep against one another moments later.
Cater was on call the next morning. Abby knew and wasn't looking forward to seeing him. Kerry dropped her off at work and gave her a long kiss before she got out of the car. "I know we hurt him. But don't take any crap, okay?" Abby nodded and Kerry gave her hand a pat. "I love you."
"And I love you, Kerry," Abby replied, smiling.
"Don't be too late home." Abby flinched when Kerry referred to her place as Abby's `home', but found that she quite liked the idea.
Abby entered the lounge and sat down. She was early. The door opened and Carter walked in. He didn't look at her. "Carter," Abby said, needing to talk to him. He ignored her. "We need to talk," she told him, standing up and stepping in front of him.
"Do we? I thought we'd done all the talking we needed to do." He eyed her, sat down. "You cheated on me, I left you, I hate your guts. Story over."
"Can we not still be friends. I understand that you Can't forgive me, and that's okay. I did a stupid thing."
"Yeah. It was stupid."
"How can I make it up to you?" He shrugged.
"You can't." Abby sighed and looked down.
"Look, we have to work together whether we like it of not, okay? If we can't get along, we're gonna both end up in the shit." He nodded, resigning to at least that fact. He sat on one of the comfy chairs and faced her, hands clasped in front of him.
"What exactly happened. Start from the beginning and tell me. I need to know everything." She dropped her gaze from his and sighed.
"Okay, right. Kerry had a miscarriage in work on Saturday. She was in a lot of pain and I kind checked up on her. I offered her a lift home and she agreed. She didn't want to go home to Sandy, I'm not exactly sure why. I don't think she could face her.
"Anyway, I took her back to my place and got her some coffee. And she had a shower and..." She grimaced, deciding to leave out the part about her drying her. "...we sat on the couch and she talked and cried, and I comforted her and we ended up kissing." She looked down. "I was kinda upset too. I never told you, but when I was younger, I had to have a termination. And I felt like I knew what she was going through, you know? And we just...it just happened."
Carter sat for a while, contemplating what he'd been told. Abby sat and fiddled with her jacket.
"Believe me Carter, I never meant to hurt you."
"Susan said you slept together. You and Kerry." Abby nodded, not ashamed. "So, what? You're together now?"
"Yes. I...we...it's hard to explain." Carter sighed.
"What about Sandy?"
"When Kerry got home, everything of Sandy's was gone." Carter sighed guilty for a moment.
"Do you love her?"
"What?" Abby asked, awkwardly.
"Kerry. Do you love her?" Abby nodded.
"Yeah I do."
"And does she love you?"
"Yes." Carter sighed miserably.
"Oh. Okay." Abby sighed and held out her hand.
"Forgive...I don't want to lose you as a friend, Carter." Carter shrugged.
"I don't know what to do. Just...give me some time, yeah?" Abby nodded.
"As much as you need." He nodded once, then stood and left the room. Abby sighed and put her face into her hands. "Oooooh God," she sighed to herself and stood to get ready for work.