Deja Vu

by EM Fan

Part 2: DEJA VU
by EM Fan

Kim walked out of Romano's office not quite knowing what to make of the new information she had just received about Kerry. She thought, "Maybe I misjudged her. Maybe I was wrong when I told her that she was hiding. Or ... maybe I expected too much from her too soon. I never sat down and thought about how difficult it was for her. Now that I think of it, coming out wasn't easy for me either. It was several years ago, but I guess that I was just as scared back then as she is now. I don't know. Maybe I thought it would be easier for someone to come out later in life, but maybe I was wrong. Perhaps it's just as hard if not harder for her now as it was for me then. Why didn't I think of that? I'm not a selfish person, but the entire time I was thinking about my own feelings and not what Kerry was going through. How could I have been so blind?"

Kim arrived at her office and closed the door. She realized that she had done this once before. In college she had an involvement with someone who had never been with a woman before. The situation ended when the first-timer decided that she wasn't a lesbian and that she wasn't even bi. She was just experimenting. This was one of Kim's best friends in college. They spent lots of time together discussing their sexuality and the possibility of becoming intimate together. Then one night in a drunken stupor, they slept together. The girl seemed to really enjoy the entire "experience" and even seemed quite content when she woke up next to Kim the next morning.

Then a couple of days went by and Kim had not heard from her friend. She wasn't returning any of Kim's phone calls. Kim finally arrived at the girl's dorm room to discuss things with her. That was when Kim was told, "It was all just a mistake. I'm sorry but I'm not gay. I don't know why I did what I did, but maybe it was because I was drunk that night."

Kim was devastated and confused. "Then why were you so comfortable with everything when you woke up in my arms the next morning?"

"I don't know. I guess I was just confused. I really like you Kim, and I hope that we can still be friends, but I just can't be gay."

With that statement, Kim walked out the door and never spoke to her again. Kim never wanted to feel that type of pain and rejection ever again in her life. She just felt so used. That was why she was on the defensive so much with Kerry. She thought that this was a definite parallel to her college mistake.

Back at County General, Kim picked up Kerry's letter from her last box of packed items and started reading it again. But in the middle of doing so, she sat the letter down and just started crying.

"What have I done?" she thought, "Kerry's feelings are sincere. She kept reaching out to me and I kept pushing her away. Why didn't I just listen to my heart this time?"

Kim finally realized that she wasn't just an experiment gone bad in Kerry's eyes. Kerry finally stood up for her and in the process, admitted her own sexuality to herself and unfortunately, to Dr. Romano. "Now I know what I have to do," Kim said aloud. She wiped the tears from her eyes and left the office.

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